Nothing changes, if nothing changes

So here we are, 2016!

To be honest with you, I imagined a more space aged era, one with a lot more tin foil and a lot less like it is now. Needless to say, it's a new year with a new set of goals and perspectives.

I found my peace

If you're regularly following this blog, you'll note one of two things. 
1. It's not that regular. 
2. I've been really, really angry. 

The good news is that after adjusting, fighting within myself, resenting these kids, and acting like a complete psycho during it all, I found a new understanding and perspective when I decided I needed help. 

So, December last year, I lugged myself off to a Life Coach. I had found a special deal online through Meetup.com (a free, community based meeting place for people wanting to spend time with like minded people from any form of life/sport/hobby you can think of in your area) and on Saturday the 18th of December 2015, I found myself sitting in the home of this Life Coach with the mindset that I didn't attend for answers to a specific question, I just wanted to better myself in general. Or that's at least what I believed.


Changing perspective

As I sat listening to these other 2 ladies who were in attendance talk about their problems, I realised I wasn't really applying my real issues (with the kids and my instant motherhood thing) to the coaching. I was pretty happy with my life in general and kinda nodded through the information because it didn't apply - until I applied it to my frustrations at home. 

Let me tell you that when I allowed myself to address it all, a tidal wave of emotion came from my gut and pushed it's way through past my throat where I was holding it all down. Everything, and I mean everything came out of me, through my eyes and from the depths of my soul. A year and a half of tears flowed from my face, a box of tissues and three wide-eyed woman sat sympathetically in front of me. I had nothing to be grateful for, I felt angry, used, depressed and tired. 

In that moment, the Life Coach had presented me with a question that turned into a dialogue that lead to my breakthrough.


Life Coach (LC) "What benefits are there in being in these children's lives and with your partner in this role?"
Me: "None"
LC: "There must be something?"
Me: "Nope, there are NO benefits"
LC: "Try think of at least 1 benefit of where you're currently at"
Me: "I guess I get to build two small children into whole people, if they stayed with their mother, they would be exposed to drugs, alcohol and a state of mind that wouldn't really help them be the best adults."
LC: "And how important is it to you, that you build up two strong adults."
Me: "Not that important" (Insert awkward silence here)
LC: "Ok, give me another benefit"
Me: "I guess they are teaching me patience and how to be a good mom"
LC: "And how important is that to you?"
Me: "Average, I guess, I really want to be a good mom but if they weren't in my life I wouldn't have to do this all."
LC: "And what else?"
Me: "They are preparing me for motherhood, for my own children, I also get to be with the love of my life, my soulmate, my person."
LC: "And how important is it that you're prepared for your own children and get to be with your soulmate?"
Me: "Non negotiable!"


And just then, my Aha! seed was planted, which germinated over the following weeks and somehow, somewhere along the line, I let go of resentment and allowed myself to love these two boys without conditions, without the regret's from the past. 

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I had unfinished business. I felt responsible for where I am today because I had chosen to terminate a teen pregnancy, which would have in turn lead to the non existence of these two boys. I felt angry and bitter because of a lack of accountability on their mother's part to participate or contribute to their lives in any shape or form. I felt as if I was picking up the pieces of her broken life, left to fix what she had damaged. I didn't want her stuff, I wanted my own happy, healthy and whole life which included two Labrador's and a picket fence! 

While I mulled over my regrets and guilt, I found a diary from my high school years and into my early 20's. As I read all the drama between those two covers, I realised that I wouldn't have been ready for commitment or for a significant long term contribution to any relationship, let alone the one I'm in now, the one that matters the most. The string of poor choices I made in men thereafter was proof of where I was at, and my significant other was busy living his life with his drama while he learned all his lessons in tandem with my own. The timing was never right and now I realise, everything for a reason. Today we are both ready, focused, on the same page and crystal clear about where we are going, as individuals, as parents and as a team. We are in love, bonded and share a love that I've never, ever experienced before. It was worth the wait!

I was a green, immature and very lost soul at 22, let alone the thought of carrying and raising a child at 17 all those years before. I let go of the guilt and regret, and I've accepted that this is how life is. Love, is letting go of fear - and in deciding to embrace this and step up, I've freed myself from the chains of my past.

Life isn't a linear experience, there's not black or white. There will be days of grey and moments of frustration, but there is no right or wrong just choices with their own set of consequences. Life is, just what it is, and happiness comes from being where you are right now and making the best of the place you're in even when you aren't ready, aren't happy and don't know what's coming next.

So, the fact is, these two boys have never been the cause of my resentment, they have never been the cause of my guilt. They have merely been a catalyst for change and acceptance within myself. They have forced me to deal with 16 years of suppressed, teenage baggage and set me free from myself. Now that I'm passed my lesson, I'm free to be my happy self again and believe me, they are on the receiving end of a fun, lighter and far more grateful person than the woman I was last year.

Thank you!

Mr N(ASS)ty and the idle threats

I won't lie, it's been a difficult couple of months - hence my absence. 

I'm at the point of no return with my nonchalant and completely blatant discontent with my life. I wish things could have been different, why can I still not see the blessing in this situation. Why does it feel like I'm being punished.

Parenting is hard, and off-putting

Someone asked me the other day if I was still interested in having children of my own. Of course I'm wanting my own children, but raising a pre-teen and a 9 year old is hard, and off putting when I think that I may need to do this all over again. I know they say it's different when it's your own children, but gosh, this is a constant battle between cooperation and defiance. The latter dominating at the best of times.

Mr N(ASS)ty was introduced to me a couple of weeks ago by a client of mine. "It's time to step up and hand out some good old fashioned discipline", she said "it's not always easy dishing out hidings, but we all grew up with them and we all laugh about it now." 

She was referring to Mr Nasty as if he was the benchmark of parenthood, as if, when you're at this point of idle threats, Mr Nasty is at the top of the list when it comes to distributing physical reminders of who is boss. Today the kids met Mr Nasty, although, as you would imagine my luck, it was a giggle session between them while I sampled some Mr Nasty to their backsides. The introduction was futile as the youngest scoffed at my soft and harmless blows. "That wasn't sore", giggles the youngest, "do it again". 

At this stage I'm over it, I'm also considering taking an online mental wellness quiz to check that I'm not, in fact, losing my mind to the insanity I call my afternoons. 

Maybe it's not meant to be

Today, for the first time, I questioned whether or not I should walk away. I wondered what it would be like to just say, 'Sorry everyone, I'm done, I need a permanent time out in a remote location with a couple of cocktails around an adult only pool', but I know I could never, I don't want to. 

Every fibre of my being is battling through this challenge of acceptance. It's not them, it's me. It's my frustration and my resentments and my regrets. I love their father, and they are good kids, but I'm selfish and I wish they hadn't been born. There. I said it. I wish, they hadn't inconvenienced my life. 

If that makes me a bad person then I'm a bad person. But the fact that I'm still here, still committed, still doing my all for them with no expectations and no return on investment is a very clear form of love. Love isn't a duty, it is a privilege. I choose to share my home, money, time and knowledge with them. I choose to give of myself even when it means I'm near tearing out my hair and making idle threats with a bamboo spoon that I brought for a couple bucks at the local store. 


I love them, I love him, I just don't know how long it's going to be before I can accept them in all their humanness. Perhaps I've just forgotten how to be patient, tolerant and accepting of others. Perhaps they are my reminders that all things, including love come at a price and mine is loving their father with the burden and privilege of raising them at the same time. 

C'est la vie.