The Wood From The Tree's

I won't lie, it's been a challenging start to the year.
The eldest is failing, the youngest doesn't listen - to anything.
They are both incapable of going a day a moment, without a lie. 

Somewhere along the line, I questioned to myself if this was all worth it, somewhere along the line, I reminded myself that I've committed my life to their father and that in turn, this is part of the package. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a raw deal or an opportunity.

Mommyhood - no training required

So here I was thinking to myself, that things would progress. That life, like everything else in my daydreamers mind, would fall into it's perfect place with enough attention.  Sadly, I've been wrong all along. This isn't about me and this isn't about how I can fix them. They are damaged children, with damaged perceptions about life. 

I often hear my hubby-to-be repeating himself to the kids. Another day, another session of shouting at two children who know the rules, know the routine, know what is expected. They still don't do it. They are addicted to the drama that comes with the fight.

Later, I realised that no parent actually know what they are doing, how can they? You get children that don't come with instruction manuals, advice that comes from people with their own set of ideals for their children, no "one size fit's all" here, I'm afraid. Everyone, is just winging it!

Another little meltdown

I'm almost getting used to being in a state of depression and frustration. I know that I need to love them, but I also don't have to. So somewhere between wanting to be this vessel of unconditional love and purity, the resentment is real. 

Somewhere along the last couple of weeks, I realised that I don't have the answers, and that these children aren't exactly 'normal' either. They are little Bonsai tree's of toxic belief systems and emotionally absent parents. They manipulate and feast off the carcass of emotional maturity like a savage beast that is driven by the ego. And then, my ego gets sucked into the same, and our ego's feast as my Higher Self sits and shakes her head at another lost battle. 

What is normal anyway? Is lying normal when it involves hurting people you love? My gut instinct tells me these kids aren't normal children. Recently, their mother was informed by the youngest child, that I drove over his hand (which I obviously hadn't) and on further investigation found out he did it to make his mother angry. Mission accomplished!

When we asked why he would do such a thing, he admitted that he knew his mother would lash out at his father. He explained that (please sit down for the next part) he wanted to make his mother angry, who would in turn get his father into trouble and all for the sake of revenge because he was angry with his father for reprimanding him every morning for dawdling through the morning routine and fighting with his brother. (Insert psychosis here!)

The repercussions of parenting

After listening to and witnessing how two people can make children but not be accountable for their emotional well-being, due to their own lack of personal awareness, I'm sitting with two children in my life that have not only experienced a separation in their family as they knew it, but have never really had the role models they should have had, until now. 

I've been made so aware that, although we have the best intentions for our children, if we are not whole, we cannot impart wholeness onto them and into their lives. If we are not emotionally stable, secure and growing, we cannot expect, emotionally stable, secure and developing children in our lives. What we put in to ourselves, really is what we get out in them. 

I've witnessed how my positive, spiritual influence, my life lessons, my affirmations and guidance hasn't fallen on deaf ears. What you invest in your marriage, your partner, your children and your family will, for the most part, allow you will live in peace as everyone grows in their own time and at their own pace with a healthy, solid foundation. 

My challenge is learning to stay positive in a seemingly depressing environment, with children who aren't my problem, children I didn't bring into this world or want in any shape or form in my life. My challenge is learning to be that positive influence when (almost always) I've checked out emotionally to prevent further hurt and protect myself from the pain and inconvenience they cause me.

How do we become the best versions of ourselves, and in turn, how do we stay the best version of ourselves as our children watch our motivation, lack thereof, our inspiration, depression, anxiety, frustrations, joys, victories and pain. 

I look forward to doing this all again for my own flesh and blood, I imagine that it would be worth the sacrifice. 

Right now, I'm incredibly grateful that school holidays are here, so that they don't have to be - and I'm okay with feeling that way. 

Pushed past my boundaries

It's not resentment, it's pure frustration.
Two little children twisted and mangled from years of poor guidance and absent parents. Today I was pushed past my boundaries. 

The wheels fell off today

For the first time ever, I shed tears of pure frustration after delivering them safely to their daycare. Hours before this I'm feeding them, ensuring they are prepared for the day and allow for transparency and accountability in the space between home and not. 

Dramalama

So there we were, about to leave the house and the youngest has his brothers car, remote control car that cost me a fortune, being dragged by a piece of nylon he's fastened to the undercarriage. This is how it all began, followed by excuses from the eldest that he's scared to confront his brother (if you knew the authoritative, dominant personality you'd also call bullshit) and of course another 5 minute debate about why their seat belts aren't on (again) in my car. They never do this in their fathers car. 

The smirk that hurt more than a slap in the face

Our home is full of dangerous spiders that crop up from time to time. I don't normally kill spiders but these particular species can cause a lot of harm to children and animals so I insist we remove them. 

Before we left the house I had asked the youngest if he had washed his face, brushed his teeth and hair and his hands. A resounding and confident "Yes!" came out of his mouth. 

Just as we turned into the daycare mothers house, the eldest ejects his seat belt from it's fastened position. I SLAM on brakes, partially out of concern that one of the doors may be open and partially because my gut had told me one of them had done so on purpose. 

True as nuts, the eldest had done so. Now livid, I insist he puts his belt on until he has come to a complete stop. They never do this with their father. 

My wits end

As we arrive at the daycare gate, I see the youngest with pinched finger and thumb holding what looks like a bunch of black grass. "What on earth is that!", I exclaim. "It's a spiders nest," he retorts, "I found it on the wheel of the car." 

At this point, I burst out laughing with disbelief. Just 3 days earlier we had explained to this 7 year old that the dangers of the spiders in our home are real and yet here he is with a spiders nest pinched between finger and thumb. 

I get out of the vehicle and get to his side of the car. As he gets up his face and my eyes meet. Not only has he lied about having cleaned this morning, but his eyes are caked in sleep. The betrayal of knowing that he's not only lied to me, but lied so confidently cuts me to the core. He's irritated me, pushed me to breaking point and now this. Needless to say, I cried all the way to work. For the first time ever, I cried. I cried long, hard, real tears of frustration.

A reminder

Boundaries, I will not tolerate unacceptable behaviour and a round table meeting is about to commence. On the other side of frustration is love, on the other side of my sanity is a lack of boundaries. Time to get both back!

No one understands it, not even myself.

I've been rallying through this instant family role for a year now, properly since the beginning of this year (2015) all on my own steam, no one gets it, it's not encouraged, nor endorsed by anyone who knows, loves or meets me. People don't get this, not even I do. 

I read a short Babble article this morning that just summed up all my emotions and put everything into perspective that's pretty much, what I call life at this moment. 

I have no village. 

During a very real chat with Daddio recently, I lay all my cards on the table about boundaries. I've found that resentment and fear are buddies, and that where there is resentment, there's most likely an underlying fear that someone or something is going to have to be sacrificed. A least in my mind. 

Having identified this conflicting duo of emotions, I've managed to stop, take a meaningful breath and then ask myself, "What are you afraid of in this moment of resentment?" 

Nine out of ten times, it is the fear of loss I'll endure, loss of something physical or precious that I've worked for. The other side is the fear of lack of appreciation I'll receive from anyone, lack of gratitude, being taken for granted, being resented back. Something may get damaged that I've worked hard for (when they sit swinging their legs on my new camping chairs on the lawn or perhaps I'm concerned that I'm at the bottom of the priority list as the last bits of my favourite mayonnaise are put up for auction to the highest bidder without my consideration and yes, it's just bloody mayonnaise, why do I act like it's important).  I'm constantly wrestling with resentment and releasing it by speaking about my fears and concerns as they arise, which set me free from the burden of carrying them silently, sometimes for days. 

Try discipline a child without raising your hands, your voice or  asking yourself why you signed up for this. I've tried, been and done everything in my power, perhaps this is my emotional rock bottom, my cry for help. 

I need a village, and my tribe is very, very small. I don't know anyone who is in the same position as I am. I'm gapping this and I may just be losing my mind.  

Why am I putting myself through this? 

So here I am, letting it all out. The toothpaste in our bathroom has been forced down into the basin drain by 6 year old fingers his solo game continues in silence. 

Thousands of little germs greet his dirty fingers, the same ones he was meant to wash prior, along with the booger in his nose that needed to be removed. Yes, he's 6, I get it, but it's my basin too. 

I stand watching from a distance as he takes his toothbrush and sweeps up the remains of our dirty basin (please don't act like yours is spotless 24/7) bringing the debris to his little mouth. It is in this moment I realise that my en-suite bathroom has been overthrown, my sanctuary and only place to hide has been taken over because two little boys have to be separated otherwise there are distractions and fighting and nothing really gets done. This is bullshit.

When I realise that he is in possession and alternating 2 toothpaste tubes (and neither are the junior brands I brought him last week), I in turn, realise is our tube of adult toothpaste. 

He has now managed to mix up the only 2 tubes of toothpaste in our bathroom, one of which was for his exclusive use during a severe mouth infection he had two weeks ago. Now I know where my ulcer and sinus infection have come from *rolls eyes*.

My blood pressure starts to rise, I've been sick and perhaps this is the reason why. Perhaps, if these were my own biological children, my willingness to share bodily fluids with them, including germs and diseases, I wouldn't be so pissed. Why am I putting myself through this, why! I share my resentments, Daddio quickly takes the tubes back to their original bathroom. I'm sans toothpaste I can trust. Now would be a good time to tell me I'm being oversensitive. 

Toughen up or leave

I will admit, that leaving this place I call home with two small manipulators with very obvious psychological issues, has become a very real option. It's not because I don't love their father, God knows how much I love their father, it's because I'm wondering if I've got what it takes to do this. 

But maybe, this isn't about loving myself more, maybe it's learning to dance in the rain as they say, about setting boundaries in place and being happy - for the most part - without losing my own sense of identity. 

So I made myself a priority. (Ha.)

It ends by starting anew

And this week I look forward to so many exciting new adventures, on my own, because that's what all women need, with or without a village, with or without offspring. They need time out, pampering, friends and that moment when you get to a set of traffic lights, get checked out by a cute guy next to you and feel that ziiiiiiiing of, "Yeah, I still got it!". 

So I've set out a date for myself, all my needs cannot be fulfilled by everyone in my life, so I'm making my own list and prioritizing myself once again. I'm seeing old friends for lunch and coffee dates that I've failed to prioritize over the last year, I've got a gym date with my bestie (me) I'm starting to drink green tea, with the intention of getting my sexy, un-mommied body back in shape - because that's what I signed up for. For independence, for self preservation, for date nights and movies and memories. Sorry Daddio, it's not personal, well it is, but not like that :)

Not because I'm selfish, but because I'm worth it. Not because you don't make me happy but because you can't give me everything I need, all of the time, and that wouldn't be sensible to expect anyone on this planet to make me (or you) whole. As my dad always says, "Life is a Do It Yourself Job". 

No one gives 100% of their effort, 100% of their time to 100% of anything - it's not possible. Balance will set me free, balance is the answer, balance is the difference between expecting to be priority and then commanding it when the time is right. 

Balance cannot allow resentment to come into play when balance allows for new adventures, stimulus and experiences. Time out, time away - without romance, without partners, without even being angry about it. Simply, just - for - you! So you can grow, so you can live, so you can create your own memories, experiences and identity. 

Balance is in my own hands. Maybe then, people will stop asking me what I'm still doing with a man and his two children and all their baggage. An ex and her shopping list of tendencies to give less f#$%s than anyone I know about her responsibilities. 

And perhaps when I'm smiling again because I've sorted myself out - everyone will realise, including myself, that love is enough and boundaries are everything.

Lies, cheating and deception - and that's just the 8 year old!

This week the resentment monster came to see me. I've been getting very used to his unpredictable visits, I just wish he would stay away! 

My resentment kicked in when I had had about enough of the bickering, repetitive requests for cooperation from the kids and lack of appreciation for anything we did for them. While I've heard this is apparently "normal" behaviour, I'm battling to accept the rolling eyes and sarcastic retorts. 

The fight that brought us closer

So initially I had purchased new juice bottles for my treasures, complete with favourite cartoon characters emblazoned on the front, look at me being all stellar and amazing. I had also purchased brand new lunchboxes for them to enjoy their lunch in. After the first two weeks of ownership, my treasures both managed to come home sans juice bottles. Eldest had apparently lost his and youngest threw his over the school playground wall. As punishment, no juice bottles would be reissued and re-hydration would have to come from school playground taps and after care provisions. I believe they call this Tough Love.

On this particular day, daddy lets me know about some serious feedback from the school. Eldest had decided to remove his teachers juice off her desk and drink it all - I mean everything. To my devastation I started asking myself an avalanche of questions. "Was this normal behaviour? Where could I get help? To whom do we turn for for advice? Had we attributed to this theft and dishonesty?" Along with "What the heck possessed him to do such a thing?"

We sat eldest down at the table and politely went over some ground rules, you know, things you aren't supposed to do as a contributing part of society. We weren't mad, but stressed how disappointed we were. He was our star athlete, our charismatic little creative - what on earth was happening and how did we get here? 

Then things got worse

In the midst of this drama, I found myself in a stew of resentment. These kids were out of control, disrespectful and taking advantage. Money down the drain along with the possibility of juvenile delinquency, at least that's how seriously I took this atrocity. While I may be coming on a little neurotic, I need to highlight weeks of deviant behaviour, including blatant lies and mild cases of thievery from both children.  

The very next morning, dad stands in the kitchen pouring OJ into their old juice bottles. "OMG, he's got the principle all wrong", I thought, "What are you doing!" I seethed. Fatherly guilt had crept in, dad was afraid that the deprivation of juice for a week had caused a rebound effect that has attributed to the theft of said teachers juice. I was furious. Did he not realise that he was pacifying these kids with a reward, the punishment was still in play. Could he have not waited another few days before reinstating this treat? Maybe I was taking this all too seriously, I never had juice at school, hells bells we didn't even own a lunch box!

Our first real fight  

That night we didn't say much to each other, silently agreeing to keep the conversation on 'ice' until we regrouped at home. I was so angry, I felt like we had been taken advantage of, as if our authority meant absolutely nothing and our punishments a joke. So much money had been invested into these kids, not one cent from their mother, not one contribution. 


On arrival that evening, the tension was insurmountable. The atmosphere was cold and heavy between us. We had been separated by our difference of opinions all caused by children not even old enough to remember the 2010 world cup. I stood by my beliefs and he stood by his children. Just like that. This was it, this was that moment of division that I knew would come. It was here and neither of us were backing down. Principles over being right, that was my stance and I wasn't budging. 

Eventually the ice broke, short answers became sentences, until eventually I just released the Kraken of all arguments into full force. This was his life, just as much as it was mine now. If he couldn't see my point, history would surely repeat itself and I would be forced to tolerate intolerable behaviour. I was fighting for our unborn children too, this was a war of morality and parental compatibility. 

"All I want you to do is acknowledge my feedback", I snorted. His arms now on both hips as we lay down our cards in an orderly and mature fashion. "The more I hear what you're saying, the more it makes sense to me. I just realised that what I did made absolutely no sense." His face softened and the corners of his mouth turned up as we ploughed through our differences until a mutual conclusion was met. 

"This is the best fight I've ever had, I didn't have to scream or yell and yet I still got my point across." he says. He high-fived me in approval as he came down from his dormant volcano of misunderstanding, I had just taught him a lesson about how healthy relationships worked and killed two birds with one morality stone. 

This just brought us closer and neither of us would have realised it until that very moment. Just like that, the air became lighter and kisses on my forehead reminded me that we were in this together, good, bad and ugly. 

The way forward

Resentment will appear time and again, but when you don't allow yourself to have your own desires, outlet or voice, you will fester and resentment will consume you from the inside out. It will be evident by the grimace on your face and the frown lines on your brow. Since this corner was turned, we have stood united as a couple while the children have done their best to manipulate their expectations and resentments onto us. Suddenly it doesn't have as much power as it used to. I no longer give for the sake of giving, perhaps I've become a little harder, perhaps I've become more of a mother than I realise. 

The following evening we had a chat at the table as we do every night, we lit the table candle and sat down to grace. This time I had something to say, I had about enough of the abusive phone calls from their mother on their return to us with her shopping list of grudges. Once again her immature remarks and the usual character assassinations began to brew inside me. I was tired of the manipulative games being played by the children, running between both parents, playing them up against each other causing divisions and creating tall stories that could never be trusted. 

Did they not see this is the healthiest and most 'together' they had ever been? Tests were being passed with A's since they lived with us, school reports showed improvement, projects completed on time. What the hell were we in for when they became teenagers? 

If you want to act like adults, then listening carefully!

"I'm providing for you the way your mother cannot, for that you can be grateful or you can choose to hate me. This doesn't make me a good person or your mommy a bad one, I provide for you because I can.  You need to understand that I don't have a manual for this, I came into your life because I love your father, a man who loves and adores you both, a man that loves and adores me just as much. 

I will not sit and endure another day of disrespect thrust upon him by you or anyone else. If you believe that we are not treating you fairly, with love or in the right way, you are most welcome to leave. Your father and I are constantly trying to give you our very best, and you just take. I love him dearly and I love you both just as if you were my own but you cannot keep bending a stick and not expect it to break. 

Learn to listen the first time, apply yourself to what you're doing and realise that we are trying to ensure that you are raised with morals and values that you will take and use for the rest of your lives - should you so choose. Alternatively you can live on the street and act like a dog. I did not carry you in my tummy for 9 months, but I love you like I did. You may not understand this now, you may only understand many years from now or never. Either way you need to know that I love you, not because I have to, but because I choose to."  

I let it all come out. Perhaps a personal, desperate low, perhaps a necessary declaration.  I put my boundaries in place, yes my voice had been raised, yes I may have even come across in a wildly passionate way, unashamedly on team dad, but I needed them to know. 

To know that while they will most likely not realise it now, there is someone on their side that has their back. Someone that would keep their secrets if confided in and allow them to cry on her shoulder if they were hurting. I purged my resentments in a take it or leave it approach, the boundaries were set and tears flowed from the eldest in a moment of clarity. 

The opposite of resentment is communication, speak and you are free. 

Photo Credit : https://ltepas.wordpress.com/2015/06/16/stepparents-can-be-awesome/