Pushed past my boundaries

It's not resentment, it's pure frustration.
Two little children twisted and mangled from years of poor guidance and absent parents. Today I was pushed past my boundaries. 

The wheels fell off today

For the first time ever, I shed tears of pure frustration after delivering them safely to their daycare. Hours before this I'm feeding them, ensuring they are prepared for the day and allow for transparency and accountability in the space between home and not. 

Dramalama

So there we were, about to leave the house and the youngest has his brothers car, remote control car that cost me a fortune, being dragged by a piece of nylon he's fastened to the undercarriage. This is how it all began, followed by excuses from the eldest that he's scared to confront his brother (if you knew the authoritative, dominant personality you'd also call bullshit) and of course another 5 minute debate about why their seat belts aren't on (again) in my car. They never do this in their fathers car. 

The smirk that hurt more than a slap in the face

Our home is full of dangerous spiders that crop up from time to time. I don't normally kill spiders but these particular species can cause a lot of harm to children and animals so I insist we remove them. 

Before we left the house I had asked the youngest if he had washed his face, brushed his teeth and hair and his hands. A resounding and confident "Yes!" came out of his mouth. 

Just as we turned into the daycare mothers house, the eldest ejects his seat belt from it's fastened position. I SLAM on brakes, partially out of concern that one of the doors may be open and partially because my gut had told me one of them had done so on purpose. 

True as nuts, the eldest had done so. Now livid, I insist he puts his belt on until he has come to a complete stop. They never do this with their father. 

My wits end

As we arrive at the daycare gate, I see the youngest with pinched finger and thumb holding what looks like a bunch of black grass. "What on earth is that!", I exclaim. "It's a spiders nest," he retorts, "I found it on the wheel of the car." 

At this point, I burst out laughing with disbelief. Just 3 days earlier we had explained to this 7 year old that the dangers of the spiders in our home are real and yet here he is with a spiders nest pinched between finger and thumb. 

I get out of the vehicle and get to his side of the car. As he gets up his face and my eyes meet. Not only has he lied about having cleaned this morning, but his eyes are caked in sleep. The betrayal of knowing that he's not only lied to me, but lied so confidently cuts me to the core. He's irritated me, pushed me to breaking point and now this. Needless to say, I cried all the way to work. For the first time ever, I cried. I cried long, hard, real tears of frustration.

A reminder

Boundaries, I will not tolerate unacceptable behaviour and a round table meeting is about to commence. On the other side of frustration is love, on the other side of my sanity is a lack of boundaries. Time to get both back!

Are expectations premeditated resentments?

I remember sitting in therapy a couple of years ago explaining that an ex had told me that "expectations were premeditated resentments". 
For a while, the therapist and I debated whether or not his outlook was a negative one, or perhaps if expectations were in fact, necessary.

This past week, I realised that most of my resentments have come from expecting the other party, the children, my partner, even my boss, to do certain things, provide in certain ways and then, in turn, fulfill my needs and my expectations - all of which revolve around me. 

I don't mean that I expect them to drop everything, yet I do, I have an unrealistic expectation that everyone is happy, everyone is on my side and everyone wants to pull their weight and add joy to my life. A cotton candy bubble of denial, that's me, the eternal optimist. Facts are, people are people. 

Sometimes for example, the ex fails to pay her part toward her children (that I'm paying for and currently raising) or she sets up the children for failure when she doesn't arrive with her family in tow as promised to their soccer matches - I simply get resentful. I expect a mother to be more than that. I expect her to be - me - to do what I would do, to move heaven and earth to be there, to ensure that my word is my bond. 

But when you learn to expect that the unexpected is going to occur, when you learn that your expectations may be unrealistic, aggressively optimistic or even completely off course, you're growing. Perhaps, like myself, you keep thinking that maybe this time will be different, expectations are often our greatest cause of pain and disappointment when we don't accept people for who they are and who they've proven to be. 

We expect from others, what we would do ourselves. Accepting that people will let you down, or at least fall short of your desires for the outcome in mind, is your greatest freedom. It's not that one shouldn't expect better from people, but it is necessary to free yourself from judgement of them when they fail to rise. 

So this week, I decided to see the circumstances in which I expect certain outcomes to prevail, exactly as they are. I expect that each time the children get home from school, there may not be a welcoming committee nor a parade of love showered from them to me. I don't take it personally anymore, it is expected. I have come to expect very little, perhaps expect humanness, routine and a little less pizzazz - then I can't be disappointed. They are after all, moody, complex and individual human beings. 

The same applies when their mother reacts with childish comments and hurtful accusations, I've learned to expect this, my expectations cannot cause resentment, because I know that she's incapable, or at least unwilling, to rise above the pain and anger she feels toward us and be a present and active parent. In the past, I had high hopes she would soften, change and reason with herself if not with us. 

A stone is a stone, and I shall no longer see the stone as a feather. So now, I let go and at the same time embrace expectations. They can be premeditated resentments or they can set you free. 

It's lighter and my life feels like my own again.