All this baby babble

A typical day in my life finds me on the phone to my mother at least once, let me elaborate, a minimum of once! The distance between means nothing when we're constantly on the phone, although meet up's and dinner dates are left for special occasions. 

So today during a typical chit chat and small talk about the weather and work and life, she brings up (wait for it) babies, pregnancy, marriage and of course my biological clock which (as per my last post) is apparently working overtime. 

"Just take the plunge", she said

As we discussed my meltdown (see the last post about the Jeep) I found myself listening to a woman who, for the lack of better judgement encouraged me to terminate a teenage pregnancy, now tell me to just have a baby. You know, just have one and not think about the consequences. 

Now my mom has always been my role model, but this left me feeling quite stumped. Should I be praising her for the sound advice or should I be mad at the irresponsibility of the notion. 

Everything is about babies these days. The kids and I went to go see a puppy and when I told them I had a surprise, the eldest says, "I hope it's a baby sister." 

Then last week I went to a client who asked if I was pregnant, I assured her that my IBS was in full force that day. 

Following that it's just been one thing after the next, the children can't stop hugging and kissing me and people keep joking with me that it's time for me to get married and have kids. 

So is this a societal pressure or perhaps the Universe poking fun at me? 

He wants to buy a Jeep

We sat in bed giggling about the day that had just passed. The kids have been behaving, we're in love and life is good. The heavy cloud that had become a permanent fixture at the top of my head, has been replaced with sunshine. 

I was the happiest I've been in months, until he mentioned he wanted to buy a Jeep. 

The question

As I sat looking at this gorgeous Jeep model online, I found myself asking a simple question. First jokingly, and then, with the mortified realisation that I was in fact onto something. Where would we put 4 children? 

My better half turns to me and says, "We'll fit in 3 for now and worry about the 4th when it comes". The hurt tore through me as I realised, he has his own children and he's not banking on having 2 more. 

The conversation escalated quickly as I found myself fighting back tears. "You're not banking on the 4th are you?" My words came out boldly and then softer as I swallowed my pain. 

"Of course I am, but that's 4 sets of school fee's!", he retorted, contradicting himself. 

I had put boundaries in place, or lets just say, a very loose and subtle ultimatum, which had included my desire need to have 2 kids of my own. You know, because the ones I'm raising right now are swell, but they don't 'belong to me' (as if your biological kids are ever really yours anyway. Pfft!)

The point is that with such a big age gap between the two boys, and then our first child, I wouldn't want an only child to feel isolated, I want my pigeon pair!

But the comment that he made left me cold, as the steel clang of reality hit me in the face with unexpected force. He wasn't banking on a 4th child, albeit his protests, albeit his explanations. In his mind, number 4 wouldn't exist if he had a choice, but he was merely cooperating with my ultimatum to keep me happy. That's how I saw it anyway. 

The numbers game....

In my attempt to paint a picture, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. I calculated our individual ages now, including the boys, and then worked out a 2 year engagement/marriage plan, and a baby chart. You know, just off the cuff. A visual, projection of our lives. How the hell would we afford a Jeep, let alone 4 sets of school fees. 

As I started forging through the numbers, I realised what so many people had been trying to tell me. I realised why so many people, including my mother, had been urging me to have a child (for the last bloody 5 years) and it's because, as I could see it, I was running out of time. 

Yes, I know that I'm still a spring chicken at 34 years of age, but when I put pen to paper the reality hit me in the face, and as I calculated a possible 2nd child of my own, it took another swing for good measure. 
I'll be old, I'll be 70 by the time my child is in their mid twenties. What, the actual, fkk! This was not my game plan, but has this whole life lesson over the last year and a half been all roses? Have I not yet learned that life isn't linear?!


....followed by the blame game. 

Immediately I felt myself sink into victim mode. "Maybe I shouldn't have kids, maybe it's best I just live my life raising these two boys as my own." As I heard myself say these words, I felt the resentment well up inside me once again, my life seemingly stifled because of my choices. 

"I should have had kids when I was younger, I should have chosen someone without children of their own, I've failed at life!"

I felt every bit of resentment towards the kids all over again, then him, then myself. It felt as if everyone was against me, as if everything was against me, as if time as running out and there was/is nothing I can do other than accept that fact. 

As I lay in a pile on my bed, lights out and sniveling, his hand touched my shoulder and his voice met with my ears as he tried to console me. 
"We'll have our 2 children, we'll have our family, we'll make it work." 

This made me angrier, as if "making it work" was something I was subjected to, because of the choices I made.  Needless to say, I woke up bitter this morning, until I realised that my age is against me, not anyone else. It's no ones fault that I've waited this long. Thank the heavens I didn't go procreate for the sake of it with one of my exes, the love I feel now would have been a sought after dream, yet now I get to live the reality of being with my first, only, one true love. 

Perhaps it's already okay. Perhaps, while the clock ticks so bloody loudly that my ears are aching, there's a plan going on. Perhaps, my children, that will be 3 and 5 when I'm 43, will be the reason I stay young? Perhaps, there are stories yet to be told and a plan yet to unfold, while I sit here trying to control my whole life and work out on paper how it's going to be. It never is.

Perhaps, what you want the most, is achieved even when you don't have control of the 'how'. 

Nothing changes, if nothing changes

So here we are, 2016!

To be honest with you, I imagined a more space aged era, one with a lot more tin foil and a lot less like it is now. Needless to say, it's a new year with a new set of goals and perspectives.

I found my peace

If you're regularly following this blog, you'll note one of two things. 
1. It's not that regular. 
2. I've been really, really angry. 

The good news is that after adjusting, fighting within myself, resenting these kids, and acting like a complete psycho during it all, I found a new understanding and perspective when I decided I needed help. 

So, December last year, I lugged myself off to a Life Coach. I had found a special deal online through Meetup.com (a free, community based meeting place for people wanting to spend time with like minded people from any form of life/sport/hobby you can think of in your area) and on Saturday the 18th of December 2015, I found myself sitting in the home of this Life Coach with the mindset that I didn't attend for answers to a specific question, I just wanted to better myself in general. Or that's at least what I believed.


Changing perspective

As I sat listening to these other 2 ladies who were in attendance talk about their problems, I realised I wasn't really applying my real issues (with the kids and my instant motherhood thing) to the coaching. I was pretty happy with my life in general and kinda nodded through the information because it didn't apply - until I applied it to my frustrations at home. 

Let me tell you that when I allowed myself to address it all, a tidal wave of emotion came from my gut and pushed it's way through past my throat where I was holding it all down. Everything, and I mean everything came out of me, through my eyes and from the depths of my soul. A year and a half of tears flowed from my face, a box of tissues and three wide-eyed woman sat sympathetically in front of me. I had nothing to be grateful for, I felt angry, used, depressed and tired. 

In that moment, the Life Coach had presented me with a question that turned into a dialogue that lead to my breakthrough.


Life Coach (LC) "What benefits are there in being in these children's lives and with your partner in this role?"
Me: "None"
LC: "There must be something?"
Me: "Nope, there are NO benefits"
LC: "Try think of at least 1 benefit of where you're currently at"
Me: "I guess I get to build two small children into whole people, if they stayed with their mother, they would be exposed to drugs, alcohol and a state of mind that wouldn't really help them be the best adults."
LC: "And how important is it to you, that you build up two strong adults."
Me: "Not that important" (Insert awkward silence here)
LC: "Ok, give me another benefit"
Me: "I guess they are teaching me patience and how to be a good mom"
LC: "And how important is that to you?"
Me: "Average, I guess, I really want to be a good mom but if they weren't in my life I wouldn't have to do this all."
LC: "And what else?"
Me: "They are preparing me for motherhood, for my own children, I also get to be with the love of my life, my soulmate, my person."
LC: "And how important is it that you're prepared for your own children and get to be with your soulmate?"
Me: "Non negotiable!"


And just then, my Aha! seed was planted, which germinated over the following weeks and somehow, somewhere along the line, I let go of resentment and allowed myself to love these two boys without conditions, without the regret's from the past. 

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I had unfinished business. I felt responsible for where I am today because I had chosen to terminate a teen pregnancy, which would have in turn lead to the non existence of these two boys. I felt angry and bitter because of a lack of accountability on their mother's part to participate or contribute to their lives in any shape or form. I felt as if I was picking up the pieces of her broken life, left to fix what she had damaged. I didn't want her stuff, I wanted my own happy, healthy and whole life which included two Labrador's and a picket fence! 

While I mulled over my regrets and guilt, I found a diary from my high school years and into my early 20's. As I read all the drama between those two covers, I realised that I wouldn't have been ready for commitment or for a significant long term contribution to any relationship, let alone the one I'm in now, the one that matters the most. The string of poor choices I made in men thereafter was proof of where I was at, and my significant other was busy living his life with his drama while he learned all his lessons in tandem with my own. The timing was never right and now I realise, everything for a reason. Today we are both ready, focused, on the same page and crystal clear about where we are going, as individuals, as parents and as a team. We are in love, bonded and share a love that I've never, ever experienced before. It was worth the wait!

I was a green, immature and very lost soul at 22, let alone the thought of carrying and raising a child at 17 all those years before. I let go of the guilt and regret, and I've accepted that this is how life is. Love, is letting go of fear - and in deciding to embrace this and step up, I've freed myself from the chains of my past.

Life isn't a linear experience, there's not black or white. There will be days of grey and moments of frustration, but there is no right or wrong just choices with their own set of consequences. Life is, just what it is, and happiness comes from being where you are right now and making the best of the place you're in even when you aren't ready, aren't happy and don't know what's coming next.

So, the fact is, these two boys have never been the cause of my resentment, they have never been the cause of my guilt. They have merely been a catalyst for change and acceptance within myself. They have forced me to deal with 16 years of suppressed, teenage baggage and set me free from myself. Now that I'm passed my lesson, I'm free to be my happy self again and believe me, they are on the receiving end of a fun, lighter and far more grateful person than the woman I was last year.

Thank you!