A new chapter

In the early hours of this morning I decided to give this blog another try.

As I attempted to log on for the umpteenth time in two years, the password retrieval failed yet again.

While surveying the content of my posts back in 2015/16, two realities became evident to me.

1. I really miss blogging.

2. Those posts reflected some very real struggles and by the same token, some very precious memories.

Password prompts left me questioning the efficacy of my multi vitamin. My apparent porridge brain, which still lingers 9 weeks postpartum, leaves me at the mercy of vague, misty memories of my password combination. I sat trying to figure out what may have been quirky enough to make a successful password, nothing worked and then, Eureka!

So here I am, back on the bandwagon to share a new chapter with you. 

The moans and groans, the highlights and joys. Pretty much all the real, raw and primal rantings of a first time mother (yes, I had a baby of my own) coupled with some deep meaningful reflective thoughts and a full dose of humour - because successful living requires a positive attitude apparently.

Watch this space, it's good to be back!

The setting sun allows the stars to shine

So here I am, it's Sunday and I've spent the most part of my weekend in tears.
I would need to elaborate on the last two months of our lives, nothing less than a living hell with a boy (the eldest) who has gone out of his way to make his personal misery known to all, by means of dishonesty and deceit. Our home has been disrupted, our health affected and joy sucked from each day despite our efforts.

The darkest hour of night is just before the dawn

Thursday evening we receive a video clip from their mother. My fiancee had been in touch with her to request funding assistance, a continual game of smoke and mirrors from her side. Her aim was to take a stab at us, as she does, highlighting just how miserable her eldest, golden child is living in our home. As if he's subjected to anything other than a normal, balanced household that includes routine and structure, chores and discipline. It's all the opposite he would receive from her, during their weekends he thrives on 8 hours of tv games and rules the roost. 

As the video played on, we watched this 9 year old boy face down on her bed, wailing muffled words to the crowd of family members on her side who lapped up his apparent agony. His eyes were dry and his words were forced. You don't have to be a biological mother to know when your child is pulling a fast one. 

Well I know him, and he was milking the attention. He's always been a manipulative little individual. His mother's voice can be heard in the background, pacifying him through his performance. It's all so transparent and predictable, we're not wounded by this apparent attack from her side. What she didn't realise when sending the video, with claims that her son hates "everything about living with us" was that we wouldn't be denying it.

Funny she should video record this all too, right? A little strange and equally as deceitful, as if these children are a prize and the winner takes all. 

Let me tell you that we have sought counsel from the school, from professionals, from anyone who has problem children of their own (apparently there aren't many) as well attended life coaching for kids as per my previous blog post. We have watched the eldest pull his brother down, 'throw him under the bus' at every opportunity and manipulate everyone around him with no regard for the rules. We have had meetings with the teacher, found out that he's not being bullied but in fact, is the bully at school. We have talked, bargained, incentivized, reprimanded and timed out to no avail. Every day it's the same thing, disruptions and anarchy from morning till bed time. This isn't living. 

We've dealt with sulking and tears, insubordination and his disregard for authority, at the school and at home. This child, aged 9, is a law unto himself and all this time, we've been trying to teach him between right and wrong, trying to prevent him from being with his mother and her toxic energy for long enough to infect him with the same. But children go back to what they know, and we've grown and he wants what he knows. A space where he is revered and the rules are few. The youngest is treated poorly, disciplined and spoken down to by her, but not the eldest. He's her golden child.  

Recently we implored her to sign consent forms for the children to attend therapy based on our medical savings. Her nonchalant response included an attack on our judgement and a suggestion to take them for ice cream and talk to the children about their problems. 

I'm sure you can imagine my personal resentments. I've wiped those children's tears, their cuts and grazes. I've ironed school uniforms, danced with them through the house, played hide and seek, disciplined them, imparting wisdom and guidance. I've purchased step parenting books, searched the internet for answers, met with the teachers and principal of their school. I've purchased lunch boxes, school stationery, snacks and treats. I've spent money on clothing, shoes, bedding and toys. I've planned Christmases and birthday and traditions. I've paid for school photographs, times table posters and assisted with school projects.

 I've tucked them into bed, bathed them, helped them when they've been sick. I've taken them to their first dental appointments and check up's thereafter. I've scheduled doctors appointments, gone to sports and cultural events at their school and hugged them before bed and every day before they leave our home. But ice cream will solve these problems, as if we haven't already tried to speak to them and make our intentions to help known. Why didn't I think of the ice cream!

Their mother recently took him out of detention where he was meant to serve a Friday afternoon for bullying another child. Her immediate reaction to this news was that the school was to blame and she "wouldn't accept it". He's been failing school, skipped homework at aftercare to attend an unauthorised Judo lesson because he "felt like it". Perhaps ice cream would solve these problems?

Out came the stars

Friday morning, en route to school, their dad asked the eldest what was so bad about living with us. The tall tales and roundabout answers started with "My brother is the reason I hate living with you", followed by "I don't know" and "It's the shouting". 

When he was showed the video, his final response was "I don't know, it's just everything" and so we went home, got them to pack their bags and granted him the desires of his heart. They were delivered to their mother, with all their things in hand, no animosity, no resentment on our part, but supported this decision for the sake of his sanity and ours. 

The sun set on that traumatic Friday evening, both dad and I crying big tears with heavy hearts. Mixed feelings of relief, disappointment and affliction for the almost 2 years we thought we could 'save them' from negativity and plant seeds of wholeness and goodness. 

Just like that, they were out of our daily lives. The eldest jumped into his grandparents car, having being reminded to say goodbye to us. Our hearts heavy, yet our minds at ease knowing this is their path and we've done our best. The youngest oblivious to what has transpired and the fate that lies ahead of him. 

I've realised that my sanity has been tried and tested over and over again. There was a time when I doubted myself. I've realised that I haven't failed, it's not that I cannot handle children being in my space, but our peace, cannot be compromised to the point of self destruction. There had to come a time when we chose peace over doing what was right. That day came unexpectedly sooner than any of us realised. Just like that, the battle between what those children know as normal and where we were going on our path, were conflicting and couldn't be done simultaneously. 

I thank my earth angels, friends, supporters, family and my partner for all their counsel, care, encouragement and guidance. I thank my Higher Power and all my Heavenly Angels for support and strength. For those who told me I was 'crazy to accept the baggage', you helped me realise what I was fighting for and the true meaning of commitment. 

In closing, their mother has never contributed a single cent. She's done absolutely nothing to contribute toward their welfare, their education, their livelihood. Our hearts are at peace knowing that in choosing to respect the childrens wishes to be with her permanently, giving them what they want and honouring their decisions, we have granted ourselves serenity. We will always be there for them and we've reminded them too. They may have hard lessons to learn living with her, perhaps they will thrive. Perhaps we just have to continue to be the best versions of ourselves in order to carry on being the light in their lives. Who knows. 

Now it is time for us to heal and regenerate, without guilt, without disruption and with our own permission to let go, and let God. 

It's over and that's okay. 

Growth hurts, but so does denial

I sat before my client Beaulah, she's a real gem to call on. 
She's become a trusted friend, the older sister I never had. I held back tears as I shared where I was in my life at that moment. 

I had come to the point in this instant family, that I resented the children without remorse. I resented their father for the decision's he'd made. I resented myself for choosing these struggles.

The past week stung 

The previous Monday I sat in front of our youngest child's teacher. She was factual and direct about her concerns, almost expressionless in desperation. 
"He's failing, he doesn't concentrate for more than a minute at a time", her eyes wide with anticipation. 

I cried and cried in the car park as we left for the start of our day. The decisions his mother had made while carrying him were finally being felt. It stung like acid reflux in the chest of reality, a reminder of past mistakes every time I look into his eyes. I carried his hurt because he never chose this, neither of them did. Yet I stood crying for them, me, not their parents. Me. 

Refusing to put him onto anything strong enough to alter his personality we found a short term solution and put him on a trial of scheduled medication for concentration. We have 1 month's supply of the stuff to prove ourselves and by we, I mean him. 

The night I met Zelna

Zelna is a world reknown child therapist, psychologist and kids life coach. Her talk on assisting children found myself and dad at her workshop the same night we found out about our youngest child's concentration issues. I didn't mention the eldest, but he's snowballing his way right into 'juvie' if he carries on the way he's going. They needed help, so I wanted to start with us - because of finances that is - not because the kids weren't a priority, but perhaps if we could learn something new for a couple bucks, it would help us in the long run when they got the therapy they needed. I was beginning to lose faith that I would find the person I needed to assist with the therapy I wanted for them on the financial terms we could afford. 

Beaulah listened with her eyes as she always does. She is so kind and caring this earth angel friend of mine. 

"I've built a wall Beaulah", I said, "I can't imagine smiling, laughing or caring for them anymore. I've checked out!"

I had shared with her how our meeting with Zelna had brought about a change of perspective in me, how it had softened my hardened heart and made me realise that my walls needed to come down, not just for the kids but for my own sanity. 

The only way out of this mess, would be to go back to where I started. Open my arms, open my heart, forgive and shine my light.
"Do what you do well with your children", Zelna had advised, and so I decided to share my gifts and talents with them and let them back into my world. 

My world had peace once. It had transparency and joy. Somewhere along the line the walls had become so high that I couldn't see my own light. 

Beaulah continued to listen, her kind words and tender advice echoed my hearts desires for laughter and serenity to be returned to our home. "It starts with you, your time with them, your one on one moments together", she explained, "you just need love, share your time and let those walls come down. These are the moment's that will not only make the difference now, but will be treasured forever!"

Yes, I felt guilty. I felt like I'd forgotten how to love to the point of being blind to what was really needed in our home. My maternal instincts, my humanity and my authentic self had flown out the window because of my anger and resentment, twisting a vine of animosity around my heart and suffocating my soul. 

Beaulah smiles at me and whispers, "If anyone can love those children the way they need to be loved, it's you!" And I smiled back because I knew she was right. 

We have since found a therapist and the children will commence emotional support and play therapy within the next 2 weeks. Anything can happen when you want it badly enough, and all I want for them is more than they will know. 

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Today I went to the school to talk to the teacher about our little boy - he's 7 and he's not coping. It's not that he's intellectually behind, he's just not getting any of it because of his concentration issues. 

Today when I left the school I sobbed, I had been holding back tears throughout our talk with the teacher. I'm tired. I can't believe I've chosen love and in choosing love I've chosen a very hard road. I'm angry with myself. 

Last night we went to a life coach therapist to chat about some helpful tools regarding raising these two boys, my heart is sore. If only they knew how much I care. I don't want recognition, I just want them to be whole.

I guess nothing changes if nothing changes. Finances have been our reason for not seeking professional help until now, but in life we always make a plan and make things work so I've taken the plunge and taken action. 

I've just scheduled the first parents intake meeting with a family counsellor. Hubby and I will go through to chat about what to expect in play therapy for our eldest, whereas the youngest may need a psychologist to assist further due to what he's been exposed re his mother. Today I learned his mother was using Cocaine in the first trimester of both pregnancies, and with that alcohol throughout. That's why I cried, I cry tears for these children who are so messed up because of her choices. 

If you're stuck, do what you can with what you have but take action - No matter how small the steps!

Empower yourself, your family and your partner and build up the support that you need by helping yourself. 

Take no action - get more results

So recently I found myself (yet again) in a very dark and sad place, pondering the how's and why's about my life and my circumstances. Things with the kids still suck - I've disconnected and I can't get back to loving them like I did. 

In case you didn't realise it, I toy between embracing my step-mommyhood and despising it to the point of no return. Here I am with my latest gem - "Take no action - get more answers". 


On my personal blog (that I sadly can't share with you for anonymity reasons) I wrote about a lady I recently discovered in the field of guidance and wisdom through spiritual awareness. If you're into this kind of energy aware, New Age thinking you'll enjoy Jocelyn Daher. She's a young mother, writer, Herbalist, Astrologer (and so much more) and she just emulates positivity and is a wellspring of enlightenment for conscious living.

In my blog I wrote about how Jocelyn had recently quoted Lao Tzu who said:

“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

It's a quote I've heard many time's before, but it's it funny how you can hear the same thing over and over again and one day it just makes sense!

While I've been mulling over my resentments, my concerns for my future and my worry about how my life is going to turn out (and while all valid concerns, obsessing about them won't guarantee their success or failure) I realised that I've been spending my time sending energy to worse case scenario's that haven't even transpired. 
So, I decided to be more present and in doing nothing and living in the present moment, one moment at a time, I allow myself to open myself up to more answers - because I'm open to listening when I'm not depressed or anxious. 

The next time you're wondering how or when your situation is going to improve, be it work or personal, remember that in the stillness of simply being, we clear and mute the rumblings in our busy minds and bring ourselves back to our true, authentic state of existence.

It is in these moments that all is right with the world, because everything is already okay. 

The Wood From The Tree's

I won't lie, it's been a challenging start to the year.
The eldest is failing, the youngest doesn't listen - to anything.
They are both incapable of going a day a moment, without a lie. 

Somewhere along the line, I questioned to myself if this was all worth it, somewhere along the line, I reminded myself that I've committed my life to their father and that in turn, this is part of the package. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a raw deal or an opportunity.

Mommyhood - no training required

So here I was thinking to myself, that things would progress. That life, like everything else in my daydreamers mind, would fall into it's perfect place with enough attention.  Sadly, I've been wrong all along. This isn't about me and this isn't about how I can fix them. They are damaged children, with damaged perceptions about life. 

I often hear my hubby-to-be repeating himself to the kids. Another day, another session of shouting at two children who know the rules, know the routine, know what is expected. They still don't do it. They are addicted to the drama that comes with the fight.

Later, I realised that no parent actually know what they are doing, how can they? You get children that don't come with instruction manuals, advice that comes from people with their own set of ideals for their children, no "one size fit's all" here, I'm afraid. Everyone, is just winging it!

Another little meltdown

I'm almost getting used to being in a state of depression and frustration. I know that I need to love them, but I also don't have to. So somewhere between wanting to be this vessel of unconditional love and purity, the resentment is real. 

Somewhere along the last couple of weeks, I realised that I don't have the answers, and that these children aren't exactly 'normal' either. They are little Bonsai tree's of toxic belief systems and emotionally absent parents. They manipulate and feast off the carcass of emotional maturity like a savage beast that is driven by the ego. And then, my ego gets sucked into the same, and our ego's feast as my Higher Self sits and shakes her head at another lost battle. 

What is normal anyway? Is lying normal when it involves hurting people you love? My gut instinct tells me these kids aren't normal children. Recently, their mother was informed by the youngest child, that I drove over his hand (which I obviously hadn't) and on further investigation found out he did it to make his mother angry. Mission accomplished!

When we asked why he would do such a thing, he admitted that he knew his mother would lash out at his father. He explained that (please sit down for the next part) he wanted to make his mother angry, who would in turn get his father into trouble and all for the sake of revenge because he was angry with his father for reprimanding him every morning for dawdling through the morning routine and fighting with his brother. (Insert psychosis here!)

The repercussions of parenting

After listening to and witnessing how two people can make children but not be accountable for their emotional well-being, due to their own lack of personal awareness, I'm sitting with two children in my life that have not only experienced a separation in their family as they knew it, but have never really had the role models they should have had, until now. 

I've been made so aware that, although we have the best intentions for our children, if we are not whole, we cannot impart wholeness onto them and into their lives. If we are not emotionally stable, secure and growing, we cannot expect, emotionally stable, secure and developing children in our lives. What we put in to ourselves, really is what we get out in them. 

I've witnessed how my positive, spiritual influence, my life lessons, my affirmations and guidance hasn't fallen on deaf ears. What you invest in your marriage, your partner, your children and your family will, for the most part, allow you will live in peace as everyone grows in their own time and at their own pace with a healthy, solid foundation. 

My challenge is learning to stay positive in a seemingly depressing environment, with children who aren't my problem, children I didn't bring into this world or want in any shape or form in my life. My challenge is learning to be that positive influence when (almost always) I've checked out emotionally to prevent further hurt and protect myself from the pain and inconvenience they cause me.

How do we become the best versions of ourselves, and in turn, how do we stay the best version of ourselves as our children watch our motivation, lack thereof, our inspiration, depression, anxiety, frustrations, joys, victories and pain. 

I look forward to doing this all again for my own flesh and blood, I imagine that it would be worth the sacrifice. 

Right now, I'm incredibly grateful that school holidays are here, so that they don't have to be - and I'm okay with feeling that way. 

When it comes to the crunch

So there we were at the gym, minding our own business sipping on a healthy smoothie. The kids were signed into the kids club, happily enjoying their jungle gyms and tv game down time. 

We sat chatting about life, love and our future plans. Suddenly the gym alarm sounds and droves of people pushed their way to the exit. My other half, still in mid sentence fails to hear my concerns about the children, neither of us knew what was going on. Was this a gym routine? Was this a fire drill? Was this real? 

Suddenly the loudspeaker erupts with instructions to leave the building. "The kids!", I whispered. My whisper became louder as the words pushed the breath out of my mouth - "The kids!"

As I turned to investigate the commotion, hundreds of parents gathered at the doors of the kids club, followed by a team of health club personnel carrying medical equipment and a fire hydrant. 

Dad's chatting becomes quiet, I'm still repeatedly saying "The kids!" as I run toward the entrance, leaving him behind in my sprint toward the children. 
Where they alright? Where they alone? Had something fallen? What was going on!

As I pushed my way through a funnel of parents, I stood dead centre of the chaos trying to locate my two familiar, little faces. 
"False alarm", shouts the attendant. Someone had hit the emergency button by accident. I was furious. 

My heart fell, sank and stopped for a brief moment, resuscitated by view of my two children, safe and together and out of harms way. This must be what it's like to be a parent. To have your heart walk outside your body, vulnerable to the world's elements and dangers. 

As I held back tears, the adrenalin peaked and my emotions were almost uncontrollable. Dad stood laughing at the pandemonium, I'm angry at the thought that someone could have been so careless but relieved that the children are alright. 

It was in that moment that I realised that when it comes to the crunch, I love them more than I want to admit, more than I could fathom, more than I would be able to comprehend. 

Until this moment of potential tragedy occurred, I was blinded to our bond or at least to my instinctual protection over them. 
It was as if a curtain was raised before my eyes, revealing what my subconscious mind had been hiding from me -  my priorities. It was always them.