The Wood From The Tree's

I won't lie, it's been a challenging start to the year.
The eldest is failing, the youngest doesn't listen - to anything.
They are both incapable of going a day a moment, without a lie. 

Somewhere along the line, I questioned to myself if this was all worth it, somewhere along the line, I reminded myself that I've committed my life to their father and that in turn, this is part of the package. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a raw deal or an opportunity.

Mommyhood - no training required

So here I was thinking to myself, that things would progress. That life, like everything else in my daydreamers mind, would fall into it's perfect place with enough attention.  Sadly, I've been wrong all along. This isn't about me and this isn't about how I can fix them. They are damaged children, with damaged perceptions about life. 

I often hear my hubby-to-be repeating himself to the kids. Another day, another session of shouting at two children who know the rules, know the routine, know what is expected. They still don't do it. They are addicted to the drama that comes with the fight.

Later, I realised that no parent actually know what they are doing, how can they? You get children that don't come with instruction manuals, advice that comes from people with their own set of ideals for their children, no "one size fit's all" here, I'm afraid. Everyone, is just winging it!

Another little meltdown

I'm almost getting used to being in a state of depression and frustration. I know that I need to love them, but I also don't have to. So somewhere between wanting to be this vessel of unconditional love and purity, the resentment is real. 

Somewhere along the last couple of weeks, I realised that I don't have the answers, and that these children aren't exactly 'normal' either. They are little Bonsai tree's of toxic belief systems and emotionally absent parents. They manipulate and feast off the carcass of emotional maturity like a savage beast that is driven by the ego. And then, my ego gets sucked into the same, and our ego's feast as my Higher Self sits and shakes her head at another lost battle. 

What is normal anyway? Is lying normal when it involves hurting people you love? My gut instinct tells me these kids aren't normal children. Recently, their mother was informed by the youngest child, that I drove over his hand (which I obviously hadn't) and on further investigation found out he did it to make his mother angry. Mission accomplished!

When we asked why he would do such a thing, he admitted that he knew his mother would lash out at his father. He explained that (please sit down for the next part) he wanted to make his mother angry, who would in turn get his father into trouble and all for the sake of revenge because he was angry with his father for reprimanding him every morning for dawdling through the morning routine and fighting with his brother. (Insert psychosis here!)

The repercussions of parenting

After listening to and witnessing how two people can make children but not be accountable for their emotional well-being, due to their own lack of personal awareness, I'm sitting with two children in my life that have not only experienced a separation in their family as they knew it, but have never really had the role models they should have had, until now. 

I've been made so aware that, although we have the best intentions for our children, if we are not whole, we cannot impart wholeness onto them and into their lives. If we are not emotionally stable, secure and growing, we cannot expect, emotionally stable, secure and developing children in our lives. What we put in to ourselves, really is what we get out in them. 

I've witnessed how my positive, spiritual influence, my life lessons, my affirmations and guidance hasn't fallen on deaf ears. What you invest in your marriage, your partner, your children and your family will, for the most part, allow you will live in peace as everyone grows in their own time and at their own pace with a healthy, solid foundation. 

My challenge is learning to stay positive in a seemingly depressing environment, with children who aren't my problem, children I didn't bring into this world or want in any shape or form in my life. My challenge is learning to be that positive influence when (almost always) I've checked out emotionally to prevent further hurt and protect myself from the pain and inconvenience they cause me.

How do we become the best versions of ourselves, and in turn, how do we stay the best version of ourselves as our children watch our motivation, lack thereof, our inspiration, depression, anxiety, frustrations, joys, victories and pain. 

I look forward to doing this all again for my own flesh and blood, I imagine that it would be worth the sacrifice. 

Right now, I'm incredibly grateful that school holidays are here, so that they don't have to be - and I'm okay with feeling that way. 

When it comes to the crunch

So there we were at the gym, minding our own business sipping on a healthy smoothie. The kids were signed into the kids club, happily enjoying their jungle gyms and tv game down time. 

We sat chatting about life, love and our future plans. Suddenly the gym alarm sounds and droves of people pushed their way to the exit. My other half, still in mid sentence fails to hear my concerns about the children, neither of us knew what was going on. Was this a gym routine? Was this a fire drill? Was this real? 

Suddenly the loudspeaker erupts with instructions to leave the building. "The kids!", I whispered. My whisper became louder as the words pushed the breath out of my mouth - "The kids!"

As I turned to investigate the commotion, hundreds of parents gathered at the doors of the kids club, followed by a team of health club personnel carrying medical equipment and a fire hydrant. 

Dad's chatting becomes quiet, I'm still repeatedly saying "The kids!" as I run toward the entrance, leaving him behind in my sprint toward the children. 
Where they alright? Where they alone? Had something fallen? What was going on!

As I pushed my way through a funnel of parents, I stood dead centre of the chaos trying to locate my two familiar, little faces. 
"False alarm", shouts the attendant. Someone had hit the emergency button by accident. I was furious. 

My heart fell, sank and stopped for a brief moment, resuscitated by view of my two children, safe and together and out of harms way. This must be what it's like to be a parent. To have your heart walk outside your body, vulnerable to the world's elements and dangers. 

As I held back tears, the adrenalin peaked and my emotions were almost uncontrollable. Dad stood laughing at the pandemonium, I'm angry at the thought that someone could have been so careless but relieved that the children are alright. 

It was in that moment that I realised that when it comes to the crunch, I love them more than I want to admit, more than I could fathom, more than I would be able to comprehend. 

Until this moment of potential tragedy occurred, I was blinded to our bond or at least to my instinctual protection over them. 
It was as if a curtain was raised before my eyes, revealing what my subconscious mind had been hiding from me -  my priorities. It was always them.

All this baby babble

A typical day in my life finds me on the phone to my mother at least once, let me elaborate, a minimum of once! The distance between means nothing when we're constantly on the phone, although meet up's and dinner dates are left for special occasions. 

So today during a typical chit chat and small talk about the weather and work and life, she brings up (wait for it) babies, pregnancy, marriage and of course my biological clock which (as per my last post) is apparently working overtime. 

"Just take the plunge", she said

As we discussed my meltdown (see the last post about the Jeep) I found myself listening to a woman who, for the lack of better judgement encouraged me to terminate a teenage pregnancy, now tell me to just have a baby. You know, just have one and not think about the consequences. 

Now my mom has always been my role model, but this left me feeling quite stumped. Should I be praising her for the sound advice or should I be mad at the irresponsibility of the notion. 

Everything is about babies these days. The kids and I went to go see a puppy and when I told them I had a surprise, the eldest says, "I hope it's a baby sister." 

Then last week I went to a client who asked if I was pregnant, I assured her that my IBS was in full force that day. 

Following that it's just been one thing after the next, the children can't stop hugging and kissing me and people keep joking with me that it's time for me to get married and have kids. 

So is this a societal pressure or perhaps the Universe poking fun at me? 

He wants to buy a Jeep

We sat in bed giggling about the day that had just passed. The kids have been behaving, we're in love and life is good. The heavy cloud that had become a permanent fixture at the top of my head, has been replaced with sunshine. 

I was the happiest I've been in months, until he mentioned he wanted to buy a Jeep. 

The question

As I sat looking at this gorgeous Jeep model online, I found myself asking a simple question. First jokingly, and then, with the mortified realisation that I was in fact onto something. Where would we put 4 children? 

My better half turns to me and says, "We'll fit in 3 for now and worry about the 4th when it comes". The hurt tore through me as I realised, he has his own children and he's not banking on having 2 more. 

The conversation escalated quickly as I found myself fighting back tears. "You're not banking on the 4th are you?" My words came out boldly and then softer as I swallowed my pain. 

"Of course I am, but that's 4 sets of school fee's!", he retorted, contradicting himself. 

I had put boundaries in place, or lets just say, a very loose and subtle ultimatum, which had included my desire need to have 2 kids of my own. You know, because the ones I'm raising right now are swell, but they don't 'belong to me' (as if your biological kids are ever really yours anyway. Pfft!)

The point is that with such a big age gap between the two boys, and then our first child, I wouldn't want an only child to feel isolated, I want my pigeon pair!

But the comment that he made left me cold, as the steel clang of reality hit me in the face with unexpected force. He wasn't banking on a 4th child, albeit his protests, albeit his explanations. In his mind, number 4 wouldn't exist if he had a choice, but he was merely cooperating with my ultimatum to keep me happy. That's how I saw it anyway. 

The numbers game....

In my attempt to paint a picture, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. I calculated our individual ages now, including the boys, and then worked out a 2 year engagement/marriage plan, and a baby chart. You know, just off the cuff. A visual, projection of our lives. How the hell would we afford a Jeep, let alone 4 sets of school fees. 

As I started forging through the numbers, I realised what so many people had been trying to tell me. I realised why so many people, including my mother, had been urging me to have a child (for the last bloody 5 years) and it's because, as I could see it, I was running out of time. 

Yes, I know that I'm still a spring chicken at 34 years of age, but when I put pen to paper the reality hit me in the face, and as I calculated a possible 2nd child of my own, it took another swing for good measure. 
I'll be old, I'll be 70 by the time my child is in their mid twenties. What, the actual, fkk! This was not my game plan, but has this whole life lesson over the last year and a half been all roses? Have I not yet learned that life isn't linear?!


....followed by the blame game. 

Immediately I felt myself sink into victim mode. "Maybe I shouldn't have kids, maybe it's best I just live my life raising these two boys as my own." As I heard myself say these words, I felt the resentment well up inside me once again, my life seemingly stifled because of my choices. 

"I should have had kids when I was younger, I should have chosen someone without children of their own, I've failed at life!"

I felt every bit of resentment towards the kids all over again, then him, then myself. It felt as if everyone was against me, as if everything was against me, as if time as running out and there was/is nothing I can do other than accept that fact. 

As I lay in a pile on my bed, lights out and sniveling, his hand touched my shoulder and his voice met with my ears as he tried to console me. 
"We'll have our 2 children, we'll have our family, we'll make it work." 

This made me angrier, as if "making it work" was something I was subjected to, because of the choices I made.  Needless to say, I woke up bitter this morning, until I realised that my age is against me, not anyone else. It's no ones fault that I've waited this long. Thank the heavens I didn't go procreate for the sake of it with one of my exes, the love I feel now would have been a sought after dream, yet now I get to live the reality of being with my first, only, one true love. 

Perhaps it's already okay. Perhaps, while the clock ticks so bloody loudly that my ears are aching, there's a plan going on. Perhaps, my children, that will be 3 and 5 when I'm 43, will be the reason I stay young? Perhaps, there are stories yet to be told and a plan yet to unfold, while I sit here trying to control my whole life and work out on paper how it's going to be. It never is.

Perhaps, what you want the most, is achieved even when you don't have control of the 'how'. 

Nothing changes, if nothing changes

So here we are, 2016!

To be honest with you, I imagined a more space aged era, one with a lot more tin foil and a lot less like it is now. Needless to say, it's a new year with a new set of goals and perspectives.

I found my peace

If you're regularly following this blog, you'll note one of two things. 
1. It's not that regular. 
2. I've been really, really angry. 

The good news is that after adjusting, fighting within myself, resenting these kids, and acting like a complete psycho during it all, I found a new understanding and perspective when I decided I needed help. 

So, December last year, I lugged myself off to a Life Coach. I had found a special deal online through Meetup.com (a free, community based meeting place for people wanting to spend time with like minded people from any form of life/sport/hobby you can think of in your area) and on Saturday the 18th of December 2015, I found myself sitting in the home of this Life Coach with the mindset that I didn't attend for answers to a specific question, I just wanted to better myself in general. Or that's at least what I believed.


Changing perspective

As I sat listening to these other 2 ladies who were in attendance talk about their problems, I realised I wasn't really applying my real issues (with the kids and my instant motherhood thing) to the coaching. I was pretty happy with my life in general and kinda nodded through the information because it didn't apply - until I applied it to my frustrations at home. 

Let me tell you that when I allowed myself to address it all, a tidal wave of emotion came from my gut and pushed it's way through past my throat where I was holding it all down. Everything, and I mean everything came out of me, through my eyes and from the depths of my soul. A year and a half of tears flowed from my face, a box of tissues and three wide-eyed woman sat sympathetically in front of me. I had nothing to be grateful for, I felt angry, used, depressed and tired. 

In that moment, the Life Coach had presented me with a question that turned into a dialogue that lead to my breakthrough.


Life Coach (LC) "What benefits are there in being in these children's lives and with your partner in this role?"
Me: "None"
LC: "There must be something?"
Me: "Nope, there are NO benefits"
LC: "Try think of at least 1 benefit of where you're currently at"
Me: "I guess I get to build two small children into whole people, if they stayed with their mother, they would be exposed to drugs, alcohol and a state of mind that wouldn't really help them be the best adults."
LC: "And how important is it to you, that you build up two strong adults."
Me: "Not that important" (Insert awkward silence here)
LC: "Ok, give me another benefit"
Me: "I guess they are teaching me patience and how to be a good mom"
LC: "And how important is that to you?"
Me: "Average, I guess, I really want to be a good mom but if they weren't in my life I wouldn't have to do this all."
LC: "And what else?"
Me: "They are preparing me for motherhood, for my own children, I also get to be with the love of my life, my soulmate, my person."
LC: "And how important is it that you're prepared for your own children and get to be with your soulmate?"
Me: "Non negotiable!"


And just then, my Aha! seed was planted, which germinated over the following weeks and somehow, somewhere along the line, I let go of resentment and allowed myself to love these two boys without conditions, without the regret's from the past. 

One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I had unfinished business. I felt responsible for where I am today because I had chosen to terminate a teen pregnancy, which would have in turn lead to the non existence of these two boys. I felt angry and bitter because of a lack of accountability on their mother's part to participate or contribute to their lives in any shape or form. I felt as if I was picking up the pieces of her broken life, left to fix what she had damaged. I didn't want her stuff, I wanted my own happy, healthy and whole life which included two Labrador's and a picket fence! 

While I mulled over my regrets and guilt, I found a diary from my high school years and into my early 20's. As I read all the drama between those two covers, I realised that I wouldn't have been ready for commitment or for a significant long term contribution to any relationship, let alone the one I'm in now, the one that matters the most. The string of poor choices I made in men thereafter was proof of where I was at, and my significant other was busy living his life with his drama while he learned all his lessons in tandem with my own. The timing was never right and now I realise, everything for a reason. Today we are both ready, focused, on the same page and crystal clear about where we are going, as individuals, as parents and as a team. We are in love, bonded and share a love that I've never, ever experienced before. It was worth the wait!

I was a green, immature and very lost soul at 22, let alone the thought of carrying and raising a child at 17 all those years before. I let go of the guilt and regret, and I've accepted that this is how life is. Love, is letting go of fear - and in deciding to embrace this and step up, I've freed myself from the chains of my past.

Life isn't a linear experience, there's not black or white. There will be days of grey and moments of frustration, but there is no right or wrong just choices with their own set of consequences. Life is, just what it is, and happiness comes from being where you are right now and making the best of the place you're in even when you aren't ready, aren't happy and don't know what's coming next.

So, the fact is, these two boys have never been the cause of my resentment, they have never been the cause of my guilt. They have merely been a catalyst for change and acceptance within myself. They have forced me to deal with 16 years of suppressed, teenage baggage and set me free from myself. Now that I'm passed my lesson, I'm free to be my happy self again and believe me, they are on the receiving end of a fun, lighter and far more grateful person than the woman I was last year.

Thank you!

Pushed past my boundaries

It's not resentment, it's pure frustration.
Two little children twisted and mangled from years of poor guidance and absent parents. Today I was pushed past my boundaries. 

The wheels fell off today

For the first time ever, I shed tears of pure frustration after delivering them safely to their daycare. Hours before this I'm feeding them, ensuring they are prepared for the day and allow for transparency and accountability in the space between home and not. 

Dramalama

So there we were, about to leave the house and the youngest has his brothers car, remote control car that cost me a fortune, being dragged by a piece of nylon he's fastened to the undercarriage. This is how it all began, followed by excuses from the eldest that he's scared to confront his brother (if you knew the authoritative, dominant personality you'd also call bullshit) and of course another 5 minute debate about why their seat belts aren't on (again) in my car. They never do this in their fathers car. 

The smirk that hurt more than a slap in the face

Our home is full of dangerous spiders that crop up from time to time. I don't normally kill spiders but these particular species can cause a lot of harm to children and animals so I insist we remove them. 

Before we left the house I had asked the youngest if he had washed his face, brushed his teeth and hair and his hands. A resounding and confident "Yes!" came out of his mouth. 

Just as we turned into the daycare mothers house, the eldest ejects his seat belt from it's fastened position. I SLAM on brakes, partially out of concern that one of the doors may be open and partially because my gut had told me one of them had done so on purpose. 

True as nuts, the eldest had done so. Now livid, I insist he puts his belt on until he has come to a complete stop. They never do this with their father. 

My wits end

As we arrive at the daycare gate, I see the youngest with pinched finger and thumb holding what looks like a bunch of black grass. "What on earth is that!", I exclaim. "It's a spiders nest," he retorts, "I found it on the wheel of the car." 

At this point, I burst out laughing with disbelief. Just 3 days earlier we had explained to this 7 year old that the dangers of the spiders in our home are real and yet here he is with a spiders nest pinched between finger and thumb. 

I get out of the vehicle and get to his side of the car. As he gets up his face and my eyes meet. Not only has he lied about having cleaned this morning, but his eyes are caked in sleep. The betrayal of knowing that he's not only lied to me, but lied so confidently cuts me to the core. He's irritated me, pushed me to breaking point and now this. Needless to say, I cried all the way to work. For the first time ever, I cried. I cried long, hard, real tears of frustration.

A reminder

Boundaries, I will not tolerate unacceptable behaviour and a round table meeting is about to commence. On the other side of frustration is love, on the other side of my sanity is a lack of boundaries. Time to get both back!

It's not them, it's me.

This week, we attended the children's Christmas function, the eldest rocked his moves on the dance floor, the youngest was very attentive and focused. They are both doing so well, have improved so greatly and the confidence is evident that we are doing something right.

Great apprehension

A couple hours before our arrival at the school, we are informed that their mother (who has been M.I.A to date) will be in attendance, personally I'm impressed she's making the effort. Although I'm happy for the children that their mother is showing support, I try my best to mask my anxiety at the thought of our first encounter. There is a tangible agitation between us as a couple, we both don't say it, and he even denies it, but we're both walking on eggshells, poised and in our seats. 

The eruption within

Naturally, any woman who has walked my path would want to make sure that the kids are protected from any drama, that as a woman, one looks and feels confident and at one's best. As far as flawless is concerned, I've nailed it, however, within me is an unnerved shambles, hoping for the best. 

The kids come off the stage, they've done so well. I'm so proud and they run into their fathers arms. Straight past me. Dagger in the front. I shrug it off. 

Typically I would be the recipient of such hugs, but I suppose this is their night, it's their father and they know that mom is around. Suddenly my insecurity starts to charge from the top of my solar plexus and wants to spew out through my throat and out of my mouth, a familiar and nagging sequence that has been the cause of my disdain all year. The resentment is real and so is the rejection.

Nothing compares to the pain 

The evening comes to an end, mom doesn't bother to greet me and I'm not surprised. I don't really care either.  Her hair is an unkept bed of two tone outgrowth and her tiny figure swims in the jeans that carry her legs. I pity the her, but she made the effort and it's applaudable. 

The boys throw themselves into her arms, and then we all say goodbye. An unfamiliar pang gnashes at my heart. Those are my boys, I seethe, and then quickly remind myself of my place in this family. I am the 5th wheel, fiercely protective over family that is both my own and by definition not. I'm torn. What is this I'm feeling? 

As we walk to the car, I trail behind. The high heels I'm wearing command my steady pace. They all leave me in their hurried path as I try and keep up without really wanting to either. I feel like less of a priority and then prompt some rationale into my head with a reminder that it's very late and the traffic crazy. He's not leaving me behind on purpose, hundreds of parents and children flow toward their cars and it's way past bed time.  

It's not about me and it's eating me alive. I feel rejected, excluded and unwanted. I call out to their dad to wait, a snigger can be heard behind me, it's her, great! I wanted to be this bold and united family and I'm embarrassed and deflated, caught out like the fraud I feel I am. Perhaps my ego is at play because non of this really matters, yet I'm absolutely devastated. 

A fall from grace

We get home and prepare the children for bed. It's an hour past their regular bed time and so much still has to be done. I prepare their lunches as dad starts packing their bags. We've also just been informed (not consulted with) that they will be collected from their mother a day earlier from school and we are to pack up their clothing for the weekend plus one day - at 9pm in the evening. I feel left out from that decision too, it's not even important but for some reason I'm jaded.  

I'm livid, but at the same time, I'm forced to know my place. I fail to keep my irritation at bay, my face is an open book and my eyes give away a story of their own, wild with annoyance. She's not here, doesn't contribute and yet I'm feeling like I must just fit in.

As we go to bed, an immature blurt of frustration comes out of my mouth, "I hate my life!", and he goes cold with shock. Personally I can't even tell you where this came from, just that it pretty much summed up the last year we have been together. I love him, I love our bond, I love our connection but I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Surely it's meant to get better with time? 

An avalanche of emotions start to surface, I feel like a failure, a fraud and a fake. I battle every single day at the thought of sharing my life with this extended family. There is judgement from my side, a reminder of his mistakes and my own. 

I'm stuck at 17. I'm stuck at the hospital where I'm terminating my pregnancy all those years ago. Is this my punishment? Should I have made a different decision? Why didn't I just do the opposite? I'm living with so much regret, such a void and so many unanswered questions. 

This is my life, with no family of my own, no children, no husband, just an observer and participant when I'm required to be and then I need to back off and allow the family to sort out their issues when needs be. The family that reminds me that I'm the outsider. It doesn't help that at my age, people judge me, I've had people tell me I'm a fool for taking on this mess, but I'm still here. Two days ago a girl I used to au pair told me she's seen on social media that I'm "still avoiding the marriage thing". Well I can assure you I'm feeling so much less than a winner right now. 

I'm hurting, badly, wounded by the fact that I chose this. I chose this life because of a love for a man that I've never shared with anyone. I chose this life and yet I feel as if I'm failing at it. I chose this life and yet I'm resentful. Would it be better to just walk away? 

My problem is that, in my mind, this is failure. 
My problem is that, in my mind, this isn't the picket fence dream I deserve.
My problem is that, in my mind, I'm not their mother. I'm the stand in. Good enough for the most part, useless against the original.  
My problem is that, I want to be someones family. 
My problem is that, I want my own children, my own milestones.
My problem is that, I resent that this isn't the life I chose for myself, or rather, that I hadn't envisioned for myself. 
My problem is that, I am so resentful. 
My problem is that, I'm so angry. 
My problem is that, I wish I could undo the past. 
My problem is that, I will always wrestle with regret and judgement. 
My problem is that, I'm broody for the first time in my life. 
My problem is that, I'm an emotional wreck. 

My problem is that, I'm in a box, without a label. I give love, share joy and impart guidance, yet I'm not their mother. I'm expected to be detached, yet expected to love. I'm the fetcher and carrier during school rounds, the provider of clothing and stationery supplies. Their cheerleader and the nothing that compares to their mother whose done nothing but neglect them since they were conceived. 

I'm the cleaner of wounds, the voice of reason and the co-parent during their stay with us which is during the week, every day and on weekends. I'm at a crossroads of self acceptance and self persecution. I'm in a quandary over maternal instinct and duty. I'm struggling with blood bonds versus a couple months of cohabitation in this new role. 

I know I'm not their mother, but I feel like I am. I'm the protector, the cook and cleaner. I'm the one they turn to for good night kisses and giggles over Nae-Nae dance moves. 

My problem is that, I've taken on something greater than myself.
My problem is that, I want to and don't want to at the same time. 
My problem is that, all I can see are the con's and very little pro's to this situation. 
My problem is that, I used to be independent and free and now I'm bound and held to ransom by a broken family where I feel like the outsider. 
My problem is that, even if I have my own children, they will always be his first born. 

If you know what my solution is, I'd love to hear it. 
Until then, I better dry my eyes that have cried about a thousand tears since last night and do my best to pull myself out of this depression and into work mode before that too is jeopardized. 

My depression, my anxiety and my struggle this year, the only year we've been together, all started when I lost my identity and took this all on. I'm no hero, I'm just a woman in love with a man, who is really really battling to accept her life choices. 

Maybe I just need to grow up, maybe time will heal. Who knows, I don't.